If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
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What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend