I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
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I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Solving a traffic jam
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute