I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
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RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I think about this a lot
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother