16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
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Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!