I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
You Might Also Like
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Why does laundry happen to good people?
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?