You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
You Might Also Like
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
I…do not understand how electricity works.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”