*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
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My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.