Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.