My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
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STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.