Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
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guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?