mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
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Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.