No Google it does not
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Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
My love language is hissing.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.