Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
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At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Alexa: *deep breath*
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*