*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
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Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
socratic questions
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE