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(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
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Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*