I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
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Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in