Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
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Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I think I’m having a stroke
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.