Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
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Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
😍😂🥰😂😍
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
My neck my back my allergy attack
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
When you don’t understand how floors work
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.