Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
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Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
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Me:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
want me to check your oil?
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]