[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
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Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.