“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
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Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
this could fix me
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]