[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
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Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Same pineapple, same
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.