That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
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Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story