challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
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Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”