*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
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[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…