Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
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Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
these two trucks have the same bed length
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.