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if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*