If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
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A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?