I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
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Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Woke up with morning Yule Log
won’t smith
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.