Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
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Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first