Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
You Might Also Like
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Just got to our Airbnb!
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life