If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
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I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Nothing to do, you say?
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
no their not
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*