Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
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god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
some things should go without saying
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
first you must answer his riddles
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury