Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
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I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
I can’t stop laughing at this
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake