I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
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Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Easy enough.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.