Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
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Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
yes… yes…
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Wait a second…
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs