there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
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If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.