when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
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The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea