emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
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Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
A man of commitment.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
mechanics be like
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.