One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
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Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.