Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
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My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
my friends when i can’t do basic math
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty