WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
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Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Alexa: *deep breath*
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
i choose….tongue
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama