Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
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Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
U talkin 2 me?
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced