The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
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Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Those are good neighbors.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone