If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
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Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Cha-ching is my safe word
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys