Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
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paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐