*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
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Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*