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evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
I feel seen
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.