“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
You Might Also Like
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.