[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
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If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.